One of the first classes that slave angie and I ever taught was about 24/7 Service relationships at GRALE (Grand Rapids Alternative Lifestyle Enrichment). I had the pleasure of a long-time mentor and friend, Lord Sadoh, attending. For those of you who weren’t in Chicago in the 90s/early 2000s, Lord Sadoh – The Happy Sadist – was a force of nature at the old Leather Rose. Sadistic as hell, smart, funny and could have a masochist’s clothes off in about 3 minutes of meeting him or her. Anyway, so we’re brand new presenters, getting our way through the material and angie was in the middle of discussing how she struggled with something and Lord Sadoh leaned forward and raised his hand. Now… the other thing that Lord Sadoh loved to do was give presenters hell… and since he knew me, I knew this was going to be interesting.
“Who owns that shit? Is that your shit? Who’s shit is it?” he barked at her.
It was a good point made to both her and to me that at the end of the day, she has given authority over her life to me. She has surrendered to me, and that also includes the final judgement on how she is doing. Part of the journey is that she has learned to trust me in those things.
Now, I’m not so vain to think that she doesn’t have desires, have mental goals and expectations of herself, that she’s somehow removed those very human and necessary things from herself. This woman can move mountains if needs be. When she goes about her day, she wants to hit the end of the day in success. That’s normal and what I want in a slave – that motivation to succeed, to excel in service to me. She’s going to have feelings about how things go. But… there’s that “Master in her head” that can sometimes pipe up and tell her things like “You should have made Master’s lunch.” “You should have done this.” “You should have done that.” And that Master in her head can sometimes be a powerful voice, and in the past, that voice has been loud enough to create problems, to cause her to act on that voice, rather than on what I want.
What’s she’s learned, and sometimes has to be reminded, is that the Master in her head is not the Master that she answers to. When things don’t go the way expected, or that voice is telling her something, it’s not her shit to own. I own whether or not it was a priority for her to make me lunch over the other things I had her doing last night. I own what she should do and how she should do it. I own the final approval or disapproval. The hill for her to climb, as a slave, is to come to acceptance of her surrender of that shit, to place it with me. To trust me that she is safe to give it all to me.
By no means do I expect perfection, but I expect that she will do her best daily and improve upon it. So to with her surrender. Some days, I have to remind her, correct her, and that’s OK. That’s part of the shit I own… the attention to detail and the mindfulness to hear something said and say “No, that’s not how it works. I own that. I am satisfied. You will know when I am not. You now know that I am.”
That mindfulness and consistency was a hard hill for me to climb. So now I hear “The Happy Sadist”‘s voice in my head sometimes… “Hey! You see that shit? Who’s shit is that? You better own that shit!”
Somehow, I think he’d be amused to be a voice in my head.