Things haven’t always been pretty. We’ve struggled with some issues that were part of our baggage coming into this relationship. Issues with trust. With dealing with our feelings when that trust felt threatened. Issues that stemmed from my (then unknown) Aspergers and the communication issues that raises. We’ve had one major blow-up in our relationship where we both made some serious mistakes and had to rebuild and start some things anew.
Those things are in the past, but there are times when a discussion or action might bring those things back, memories or a feeling of what had gone on before. We had a little bit of that last night – just an innocent discussion, but the past came back a bit, reared its head. We both have learned how to get through those moments…
Acknowledge what we’re feeling – right then and there – appropriately. And by appropriately, that means owning what is going on, use the “I” statements, acknowledge the past and what we know to be feeling.
Don’t let the past rule the present. It’s not the same situation. We’ve learned from those previous mistakes to where we can see what happened before is not what is happening now.
Give each other space to clear out the air of the past and let it go. This is key and something that we used to really bump heads over. “I must fix this.” Both of us would try to solve the situation, when all that needed to be done was to take a deep breath, talk about what we were feeling and give each other the space to explore it, acknowledge it, and let it go.
Those moments – we sometimes call them “squishies” – they suck. I’m one for fully facing the suckage, calling it for what it is and then acknowledging that this moment sucks, it’s supposed to suck, that shitty feeling is the genuine feeling, but it won’t last. And this one didn’t. Shortly, after we talked through it, we were able to get to the other side.