I saw yet another online posting today on KinkyNet about a woman expressing hurt, confusion and jealousy over her “Master” springing the “sister slave” on her. I’m not in favor of this particular tactic, which I hear/read about with distressing regularity.
The situation usually seems to play out in the following way – and I am speaking about situations that I’ve seen in the M/f straight community – as I don’t have much anecdotal evidence of this situation in F/m straight, or gay/lesbian M/s communities.
Master and slave have been together for a while and there may be some discussion or initial feelers of “including another” or perhaps the slave has enthusiastically bought into the idea of a “sister slave.” Then BLAMMO, said sister slave appears and all hell breaks loose. Original slave tries to please her Master, or perhaps not. In that period of time, the basic relationship structure breaks down, trust and communication become broken. It’s about at this point that the slave will go online or off to her friends – either in a public outing of what an ass this Master is (to her) or to query as to how she can somehow “fix herself” to deal and become good with the situation.
Insert the usual amount of both “DTMF” (Dump the MotherFucker) or “This is what you signed up for when you gave the last final consent of your life…” answers, neither of which I feel address the main issue, that there are some things that need to occur for this situation to work.
I’m discovering as I get up there in years, that there are certain things that I draw a line in the sand for, and certain things that I leave up to the folks who are in their relationships. I was taught that the deeper you look into the doings of someone in a Master/slave relationship, the less you will find of hard and fast rules and the more you will find that each relationship has gone off in it’s own direction. I was taught once one gets past the “Is it based on authority?” question and “Is there informed consent?” question, it becomes a question of those involved and where they wish to go. A lot of that has to do with the ethics of the people involved in the relationship.
That second question “informed consent” is in the spotlight these days, as the NCSF pursues its mission of exploring and educating on consent and abuse, and as the topic has seen a lot of discussion online and in groups.
Speaking from the Master’s point of view, I connect the actions of the Master in this situation to what I consider proper ethical actions to be taken. To me, there are three areas to consider: Informed Consent, Purpose of Including Another and the Responsibilties of the Master.
- Informed Consent – part of initial and/or ongoing relationship structure. While consent of a slave is a discussion in and of itself, and while we have exchanged authority, if the basis of my authority is partially on consent and partially on transparency and ethical conduct, then to me, there is going to be information flowing in both directions on the inclusion of another.
- Purpose of Including Another – one night or permanent part of relationship. How does this fit into the existing (presumably well-established) dynamic? Do all involved want that – is there alignment? If one person’s expectations are that this is a weekend trick, and someone else just fell in love and is ordering the mail-delivery-change, this is not going to work.
- Responsibility of Master – house running smoothly, growth of a slave vs. “growth-of-the-slave-by-including-others”, doing what is “right” vs. a Master’s lusts – in short, is the Master acting in what is truly the best interests for all involved and is that in alignment with what he/she wants?
Each of those could probably a discussion in and of itself, but overall, they paint a picture of communication, of trust and of an approach that would require positive actions for all involved that, to me, is ethical. Now I have to admit here that I have seen this done very badly and in ways that I understand now were abusive, manipulative and were not ethical by my standards. I’ve also seen this done in what I consider the right way – where there was communication, where there was the steps taken to ensure that everyone was taken care of. In those situations, it’s a lot of work and requires a lot of forethought and it requires understanding the needs of all the people involved.
So my line in the sand is this… I don’t do surprise slave-sisters/brothers and I don’t recommend it. If you’re going to do it, and you’re going the surprise route, more power to you… but I think you are not going to be happy very long.
And if you are like me, and you have similar/compatible ethics and you do make including others work… then Gods love you and rock on… that is pretty cool and I love to see how those different relationships work – they are fascinating as hell to me.