One of the myths/misconceptions about M/s that some folks have shared with us is the concept of a slave being too “opinionated”, too “strong”, not “submissive enough” and so on.
When I hear statements like these, I think they reflect more on the speaker than on the person being spoken of. If someone is too “XYZ”, that’s an “eye of the beholder” like saying.
My first, long-term, honest-to-goodness attempt at an M/s relationship did not go well at all. There were many reasons to say the relationship didn’t work, but it really boiled down into basic incompatibility on both our parts. At the time, I said some of those same things… stupid, because I just hadn’t learned the lesson, but after a few months of rearranging my head, I realized the truth was, she was not the right slave for me. Years later, this woman found the Master for her, just as I have found the slave for me.
Sometimes people venture into M/s and it honest-to-gods is not the right type of relationship for them. That doesn’t mean it’s a failure as much as it’s a learning lesson – this relationship stuff doesn’t always work the way we want and there are some relationship types we’re not cut out for. It’s not a failure of the person to not be compatible with someone else.
When these sorts of things are said at play parties, or just to be mean, I think of the kindergarten rule “Do unto others…” Don’t be a dick, OK?
However, on the same theme of “You’re too strong” came a situation this past week. This was another hard week for us, with some reoccurring family issues raising their head again. One of my hot buttons is a sense of personal safety, and the way my Aspergers gets in the way is to exacerbate that sense (or misguided sense) of what personal safety and personal boundaries means. So the two collided a couple of mornings ago… angie was going to fix a situation, and she had a full head of steam and by god, mountains were going to be moved because she was going to fix the situation. My red alerts go off and we had to have a conversation. It wasn’t an easy one, I basically outlined what I needed. When it comes to family and the safety, the lines get fuzzy and the solutions are not easy to come by and the discussions are not easy.
Fortunately, the situation was resolved without either of us getting involved or having a difficult time of it, but these things are not easy. The variables can get crazy and it can be pretty tough. At the end of the day, she trusts in my judgement and actions, and I trust that she’ll follow, but when both our buttons get hit, or that full head of steam rises, we have to do a bit more to get through them.
That’s OK. It’s a relationship, not a fantasy novel where I command with a wave of a hand and all is magically solved. Wouldn’t that be nice?