[M/s 365] Starting out new in M/s

For whatever reason, this week has just been a grinder of a week – late night hours with my job and lots going on. We are busy with getting grandkids ready for school starting soon. Yea, already, WHERE DID OUR SUMMER GO?!?

Last night, slave angie said “Oh, are you going to make a post?” and I said “Yes” and then… zzzzzZZZZzz…

So we’ll try again. 🙂

I answered a question on everyone’s favorite KinkyNet – Fetlife – and thought I would bring the answer here and offer it to you all.

The context of the question was this – the OP is in a new M/s relationship after being with his wife for greater than 5 years. They entered into the dynamic very eagerly, but it appears that conflicts and the struggle of establishing authority and surrender. She says she wants to obey, he and she go through a period of him exercising his authority, she rebels, they have conflict and frustration, and the cycle continues.

My answer was this (edited to give a more widely applicable response):


1. Find a MAsT chapter or Power Dynamic support group/discussion group in your area or within your comfortable traveling distance. It will worth it – MAsT is an organization that supports those in/were-in/curious-about Master/slave, Dom/sub, Power Dynamic type relationships. In absence of a MAsT chapter, any support group is well worth finding – being able to have face to face or even phone conversations with other people who have been there, who struggle with similar, who maybe have some advice or just can relate to you… that makes all the difference. It has for angie and I.

http://mast.net – Click on “Chapter Locator” and find your state/region/nearest city.


2. In a situation where you are struggling with the basics of the relationship, it is often helpful to go back to the beginning and remember “Why did we do this? What did we want to achieve? What do we want this to look like?”

Going back to the beginning, especially in a new relationship, is good because it also reminds you of the fun, of what made you hard or wet, what made those sparks fly. When we were new, a lot of things overwhelmed us in the beginning, and it was a hard-learned lesson to remember the “WHY” we wanted to do this.  Look at how you came to decide this was the lifestyle you wanted? How did you learn about it and figure out how it should work? And what can you do to change things now to move forward to what you saw?

(BTW, thank you to “Carolyn” on that Fetlife thread for expanding and clarifying that approach. The above is a mashup of our approaches.)


3. Is this a relationship you really want? If you are new, and the whole thing seems overwhelming, it is. Instead of biting off the whole enchilada, set up small “trial runs” and go have fun. Figure out after what worked, what didn’t, what made YOU happy. Small steps. Being Master/slave is a path, a journey and sometimes the smallest steps set up a foundation of success that helps you. That’s what angie and I do especially after an ebb… set up small steps to bring us back to basics, back to the beginning of what works (and gets us hard and wet).


4. How are you both on basic relationship skills – safe/transparent communication, conflict resolution, goal setting? M/s or D/ is a relationship between two or more people and requires the same skills, plus new ones. If those basic skills need some fine tuning, working on them will enhance the M/s a thousandfold.


5. This is a journey, not a destination. Putting yourself on a path of mindful power dynamics can be tough, but very rewarding, provided you both want the same things out of it. Forgive yourself, forgive each other, don’t expect perfection and don’t expect that it works smoothly after some magical level is reached. Angie and I have been together 11 years as M/s and we still have our days where it is very, very tough. Where I want to pull my non-existent hair out and she has tears. But in the end, because we’ve worked on the basic communication/relationship stuff, we make the M/s work.


What has worked for you? Or what do you think of this list? Anything you would say to new people struggling?


Published by

Master Michael S

International Master 2014. Member of: Chicago Leather Club, Chicago Leathermen Group, MAsT: Greater Chicago. Longtime leatherman. One of the Four Horsemen.

One thought on “[M/s 365] Starting out new in M/s”

  1. If I were to try and answer all of those questions, even just from my bitty perspective, I’d need my own blog, lol.
    But, for new people struggling, my first advice is always, “Breathe.” Is not meant as a trite response, in the least. What I’ve found is that many new couples are struggling with trying to reconcile the fantasy/expectations (what makes them hard & wet) with the realities. They look around and see the fiction books and what amounts to the ‘game faces’ people wear in public, and wonder, “why doesn’t my partner automatically know exactly what I want, like THEY do?”
    Do, first – breathe. Then understand that if things are as good in reality, for that other couple, it’s because they’ve done the communicating necessary to make it so. Sometimes it’s a matter of timing – you’re comparing your January to their September. Sometimes, it’s a matter of that other couple just having all those stars lined up just so, for this magical night,and tomorrow, the mortgage will be due, the kids will be home sick, the kitchen sink will develop a drip, etc.
    Also, while you’re comparing what you want with what you have, it’s easy to think you’ll never get there. But, when you first moved out on your own, chances are, you didn’t immediately have everything you wanted in your new home,either. So, while you’re there, breathing, take stock of what you *have* accomplished, and step into your partners shoes for a bit. Besides communication, clearly spoken, transparent, open, there are a couple of other important tools; compassion -for yourself AND your partner(s), patience – for the same folks, and forgiveness – for the same folks, again – because people always make mistakes, we miss-speak, we misunderstand. It’s no different in this lifestyle.


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