A bit of a backstory – we have children and grandchildren. We merged families and lives 11 years ago knowing full well that it was not an easy task, and we were throwing the journey of a Master/slave dynamic on top of it. While the Brady Bunch made it look easy in the 70s, it is far from that reality, especially when you throw my Aspergers on top of it. Still, we did this, sometimes we got it right, sometimes we made mistakes, but those are the things that parents deal with.
I say all that to establish that we have had the tough conversations and the situations come up where the dynamic and the family would intersect. It’s a bit inevitable that this would happen. And, just like parenting itself, sometimes it worked out well, other times, it did not. But we have the experience, we’re still together, we have raised 5 kids for better or worse and now we’re grandparents.
A question came up on everyone’s favorite KinkyNet today in an M/s related group. To summarize, the poster knew a friend … ha. That just sounds like a bad story to begin with. Anyway, the poster knew a friend in an M/s relationship as the slave. This friend had an established protocol on family interactions. A specific situation came up that was outside the norm of their protocol. A decision was made, unhappiness ensued and the relationship is now struggling. I’m being generic on purpose, because the story itself is from one POV only, and told 2nd hand. The loss of signal here is great.
The reason I bring this up is because my response had me think about what slave angie and I have gone through over the past 11 years, and that it demonstrates that this is a relationship dynamic that does play on several edges of who we are as humans.
The question that seems to be the crux is “Can/Should a Master and their decisions affect/influence/be-at-odds with a slave’s relationship with their family.”
The answer, for me, my slave and my relationship, is yes.
We’ve been together 11 years, we’ve faced a great deal of decisions needing to be made about families, as there were children involved. My slave turned over authority of her life to me. I accepted that authority and the responsibilities that came with it, and the knowledge that I owned my shit. If I made a decision that so affected her in regards to her feelings of motherhood/family, I would know this going into it, and I would accept the consequences of my actions.
Same with her. She accepted that her surrender and obedience to my authority carries the risk that I may decide something that she doesn’t agree to as a mother or family member — but that I expected my word to be final. Here’s the thing though… she didn’t surrender to me without knowing what kind of man I am, how I look at things, how I take those kinds of things seriously, how I was raising/responsible for my own children/family at the time. She decided that our goals, outlooks on life and morals/ethics were aligned and that she could live with who I was.
That’s not to say it was easy. I have made tough decisions, extremely tough ones, about the family. It wasn’t done in a vacuum, but there are ones that were tough to get through and tough to reconcile, but we did and our relationship is stronger for it. She made those choices, she accepted my authority and I honor that by being who I am.
(added) I’ve made decisions that differed from what she would have done, or even what she wanted, as a mother. At the end of the day, she accepted my authority on those as well. Those were the truly tough ones, because I had to also live with the consequences of those decisions, as well as being the one who had made the decision. I had to weigh factors, take her and what was best for all involved and make decisions based on that. We worked through the consequences. It was far more important to both of us that we continue to be in a relationship and learn from the tough choices and do what was best. I like to say, it might not be “equal” but it is “equitable.” (/added)
I expect that [the relationship in question from the original post] is going to be precarious and experience the consequences for a long time. It might be fatal to the relationship, it might not. That’s also part of the journey/experience – making those types of decisions and living with them. They will learn from it, one way or the other. Right or wrong. When I made those types of hard decisions, they had weeks and months of ripples. But we got through them, and we learned, and I love what has been forged out of those times.
One final point I’d like to make.
Master/slave is not a checkbox or a choice on a Kinkynet account sign-up form. It is a decision and a relationship that has really hard points at times and will, from the outside, look in opposite to what seems “normal.” That’s the point, though. This is on the edge for some. This isn’t light and fluffy for some. And those points where someone has to make a decision of “do I stay with the M/s and accept that path and its consequences” or “do I go/leave” are not easy ones. But that is what makes the journey worth it.