I’ve written a lot about being a Master with Aspergers, both here in this blog and in books and articles. Most of what I write is to be uplifting and supportive – to let other Masters with Aspergers know that it can be done. Over the past couple of weeks, though, I’ve had to face one of the harder jobs and issues that a Master with Aspergers faces – dealing with emotions and human nature and the mysteries that are presented and the challenges I’ve had to face because of my wiring. And it’s that struggle I want to write about today.
We’re going through a period where we’re coming down from a period of a lot of external activity – travel, presenting, all the things that keep us busy but unfortunately also keep us away from really having to rest, collect ourselves and get into a groove where we are connecting with each other across all the levels that are important to us. We’ve been doing some naval gazing when we’ve had some down time and introspection, but on a more intimate or S/m level, not much time. What happens in these disconnect times is that issues that were easy to deal with before can be tougher to deal with. Especially when we’re busy, I go into a “just the facts” mode. Or I get focused on the tasks at hand. Noticing the emotions and the cues is not intuitive. So I may not pick up on things right away, in time to address them before they become tarballs.
In the past, these would lead to epic meltdowns. Now, not so much, because slave angie is much better about communicating when she sees it happening. And I’ve learned some of the cues I need to be aware of. The centering from the other night is one of those cues. A discussion that angie and I had last night about an upcoming private event this weekend is another cue. She’s learned to say “I’m feeling XYZ” in ways that I get are facts. Although, it’s still difficult not to feel that combination of “oh shit, epic meltdown on the way” and guilt over the situation at hand. I like harmony in my home and family – and when one person isn’t in a good place, that gets my attention and I always am challenging myself to learn how to do it better. Not realistic, I can’t be responsible for everything, but it’s my nature to want to learn and be a better person.
It takes a lot of work on both our parts to overcome some of the obstacles of being an Aspie. Of her having to communicate in a way that she can get her point across, but not necessarily in a way that feels natural to her, but will make sense to me. So that I’m focusing on the facts of what she is saying, and not on the emotional verbiage which is natural for an NT to communicate with. And for me to recognize the emotions and have a good plan and strategy for those situations, to read it, understand the emotions and … even harder… have a plan that works with those emotions to get to the place I would like her to be. Not work in a bad or manipulative way, but to understand the best approach to take care of the issue, to deal with the situation and address what is going on. Not everything can be dealt with as facts. Dammit.
This will never come easy to me, but it’s worth it in the end.